Rescue Me Already

Young Adult

PG for spider references 

1,157 words

Based on a true story. Especially the part with the dragon. 

Once upon a time, there was a princess. She wasn't exactly beautiful, but she had her good days. She couldn't sing to save her life, but that was okay, because singing was rarely needed in life-saving situations. She could do a whole lot of other stuff though.

Growing up, the queen told her about when the king had rescued her from a tower with a dragon. The queen was so grateful that she married him.

"Remember, princess," the queen said. "You'll know who your prince is when he rescues you."

So, the princess waited around to be rescued. But that got boring really fast. So she went outside and practiced archery. When a huge dragon swooped over the castle, she screamed like she had been taught and a prince raced outside.

"Oh good," she thought. "Now I'll get rescued and live happily ever after." So she sat down on the ground and waited.

The prince leapt on a horse and pulled out a sword. "I will save you, princess!"

The dragon blew some fire and caught the prince's clothes on fire. He shrieked and jumped off the horse. "Help! Help!" he yelled.

"But you're supposed to be rescuing me!" the princess said.

The prince screamed.

The princess sighed. "Fine." So she stood up, shot the dragon with an arrow, and dumped a bucket of water over the prince's head.

The next day, the princess sat around in her tower waiting for something to happen so she could get rescued. But it still wasn't very interesting. So she went outside and practiced jump-roping.

When a witch zipped overhead on a broom, crackling, the princess screamed and a different prince raced into view.

"I am here princess! I will save you!"

The witch jumped off the broom pointed her wand at the prince and cast a spell. The prince turned into a frog.

"Help!" croaked the frog. "Help! Help!"

"Why'd you let her turn you into a frog?" the princess asked. "You're supposed to be rescuing me!"

The witch picked up the frog and the frog gave a croaky scream.

"Fine." The princess lassoed the witch with her jumprope, took her wand away from her, turned the frog back into a prince, and ordered her guards to lock the witch up in the dungeon until they could have a trial.

"I'll get rescued next time," she thought.

The next day, the princess sat in her tower for so long her backside got sore. But she was determined not to move.

"I have to get married sometime, so I have to stay put in this tower." She tried to do some knitting, but she wasn't very good at it.

Eventually, sitting there waiting got so incredibly boring that she fell asleep.

A scream woke her.

When she looked out the window, she saw a new prince running past her tower being chased by a wolf.

"Oh good," she thought. "Now the prince will rescue me and I'll live happily ever after!" She rested her chin on her hands and waited.

The wolf caught up to the prince and snapped his cape between its teeth.

"Help!" yelled the prince. "Someone help me!"

"You can do it!" the princess called out the window. "Use your sword! Stab the wolf!"

"Heeeeeeelp!"

"At the very least you could take off your cape and get away," she said.

The prince screamed.

"Ugh." The princess stuck her knitting needles in her bun, threw a rope out the window, climbed down, and charged the wolf with her knitting needles. The wolf ran away with its tail between its legs before she got to it. She held out her hand and helped the cowering prince off the ground. Then she offered to mend the prince's cape.

The next day, the princess didn't even both going to her tower. "Three is the lucky number," she said. "I had my three chances. Maybe I should have let the princes get burned up, squished, and eaten. Maybe then one of them would have been able to save me." But she really didn't think so.

So instead, she spent the day baking cakes for villagers. She made tall cakes and small cakes, triple chocolate cakes and raspberry cream cakes, wide cakes, square cakes, log cakes, and sponge cakes. And she frosted all of them herself with piles of whipped cream and sugar flowers.

She had just put the last swirl on the last cake when she saw it.

"SPIIIIIIIDEEEEEEEEER!!!!!"

She was so startled that she fell right off the top of the ladder and into the cake.

The spider looked at her. It was big. And hairy. And she could see lots and lots of eyes.

She screamed. And then she screamed again.

But this wasn't a dragon, or a witch, or a wolf, or any of the things princes rescue princesses from. So no prince showed up.

She screamed one last time for good measure, then she leapt up and ran across the room, jumping onto a chair.

"Don't even think about coming near me!" she told the spider.

The spider blinked at her, then scuttled over to one of her cakes.

"No!" She leapt off the chair with a shriek and landed in front of the spider, between it and the cake. "That is not for you!"

The spider paused. Just look at it made the princess shudder.

"Stay away!" she said, because she knew if it ran at her, she would run, and then her cake would be ruined.

She looked around and saw an empty bowl. Perfect.

She snatched the bowl, tiptoed over to the spider, and slammed the bowl down on top of it, trapping it inside. Then she lugged over some cookbooks and put them on top of the bowl. And then a few weights for good measure.

She dusted off her hands. That spider was never getting out!

But she couldn't leave it there forever...

She sat down on the chair and pondered this.

She was tired of facing scary things. She was tired of always rescuing herself. She was tired of having to be the brave one.

She slumped back in the chair and closed her eyes with a sigh. "Fine."

Someone tapped her shoulder.

She opened her eyes. It was her little brother.

"Do you want me to get rid of the spider for you?" he asked.

She laughed. "We can do it together," she said.

She took the weights and the cookbooks off the bowl, and her brother stood on the chair with a broom.

"Ready?" she said.

Her brother nodded.

"One, two, three!" She lifted the bowl and her brother did a karate jump off the chair, swinging the broom down, right onto the spider.

"Take that!" he said.

They took the broom with the dead spider on it outside, and burned the broom for good measure.

Then they ate some cake.

She would worry about getting married later.

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